A while ago I was talking to someone that I had grown very close to and at some point we started to really get into each other’s past. It felt great because it was the first time I had really done something like this with anyone. I told them that I felt like at some point in my life I had died before I really ever actually started to live and enjoy life. To this day that underlying feeling still haunts me.
It is a hard feeling to describe because I don’t quite know when I stared to get this feeling. Perhaps it was in high school? Maybe it happened before then? I don’t know, and truth be told, it doesn’t really matter. The feeling just kind of manifested itself one day and it comes back to me on those dreaded nights when I can’t sleep.
It is a feeling of regret that makes me feel insufficient, like I’m not really actually living my life to the fullest. Most days in my life feel like I live out someone else’s plan and like I am only passively living my life. After doing that for a few years in high school you get to graduation and feel like all of it was for nothing. There was no struggle that actually mattered and there was no one that I really actually connected with in high school.
Instead of trying some things when I really had the chance I didn’t. Instead of really enriching myself with great relationships and conversations I didn’t; Instead I opted to play as much video games and watch as much YouTube as I could, and now I have nothing to show for it. I deprived myself of my own experiences and it is my own fault. I did this to myself.
But it isn’t too late to change the direction my life is headed in. It isn’t too late to escape from the matrix and get my life together. There is a little over two months left in the current decade but it is not too late to start to change who I have been for all of my existence. I know that I have grown accustom to my limited lifestyle and that it is going to take effort to change it but it is a struggle I am more than happy to put up with if it means a better future.
Escape the Matrix 